1. Dasher – You’ve been a big help. I’m not sure Santa could get so much done in one night without you.
2. Cupid – Arguably the cutest of all the reindeer…..You add a special warm and fuzzy feeling to the entire present delivery system.
3. Comet – Definitely the fastest reindeer in the group. It would take days to get it all done without you.
4. Prancer – You’ve always been very open with your gayness. We all appreciate you spreading your special brand of joy throughout the season. Thanks for simply being yourself.
5. Dancer – Clearly there’s something going on between you and Prancer. I think it’s time you came out of the closet and let the world embrace you for who you are. We love you, Dancer. You don’t have to be afraid.
6. Donner – The loudest of the reindeer….Your words are quite harsh, but necessary to keep the others in line.
7. Blitzen – You’re a little flashy for my taste…always trying to get Santa’s attention. Santa loves you just as much as the others. You can stop trying so hard.
8. Vixen – Gee, I wonder how you scored such a sweet gig. Seems obvious. Just look at how you’re dressed. smh
9. Rudolph – What an attention whore. And on top of that…..such a “brown noser”. It’s no wonder everyone picks on you. Sure, your light helps speed up the process, but I think things were still getting done before you came along.
10. Santa – Really? You think it’s ok to step out on your wife for an entire evening every single year? And do you think the reindeer don’t know what’s going on after descending down each and every chimney? They’re not stupid, Santa. Also, they have ears. Maybe you should exercise some restraint when hoe, hoe, hoe-ing it up around the world. Your reindeer, that you claim to care about sooo much, need councelling. How about thinking about someone else’s needs for a change?
11. Mrs. Claus – Ever heard that song about seeing mama kissing Santa? Your husband is a slut……delivering his “load” to literally every household. I’m sure you thought fattening him up would solve this problem, but apparently people will do almost anything for a few presents. I recommend an STD test. And soap. Lots and lots of antibacterial soap. I guess you were the first woman to take the Hillary Clinton, stand by my lying, cheating husband approach to fame and power. It’s disappointing. And it sets a very bad example for all young women of the world.